In fact, that shotgun-blast sex-questionnaire is a pretty good indicator that you’re one of those guys who blindly jabs away at our female parts like a little brother annoying his big brother on a family road trip
Women are very often mystified by the things men do in the name of trying to have sex with us, but perhaps the most strange and new iteration is the “WANNA SEE IT?” Tinder trawl.
But also don’t give up on enjoying casual, consensual, enjoyable sex with the help of your smartphone
Any woman who’s used any kind of dating app has been confronted with this most bemusing question, posed how to message someone on alt by what we can only imagine are men who have had wood for so dangerously long they’ve begun to experience brain death. I’m talking about messaging exchanges that go something like this:
We know you’re eager, but nobody can get away with a “How ’bout a blowjob?” within a few lines of dialogue. Not even Dikembe Motumbo! The idea of a quick-and-dirty “Who wants to help me achieve orgasm?” request may seem like a good idea when you’re alone at 2 a.m. with a chub and a smartphone-but in a sober state of mind, do you really think this approach will work? Don’t be a mortifying glandular spaz.
The good news: There are so many dudes out there doing it So Very Wrong that a woman is likely to appreciate a man who does this right. I’m going to try to get you laid, but I’m also going to save you from being exploited in screen-shot by some tiresome social media personality. Here’s how to properly trawl for sex on Tinder.
You know what contributes most to failures to get it in via mobile device? Impatience! Look, we know by now that women enjoy casual and one-off sexual encounters as much as men do. (Yes, there are horny singles in your area.) But since women are the sex that’s less inclined to serial killing and wearing chin-strap facial hair, we employ a bit more of a vetting process. Most want to know that you’re safe and normal and inclined to treat them like humans being before being stuck assessing a blurry snap of your strange, hairy crotch meat.
So treat those first messages like a conversation with an amenable stranger in a club. I know, I don’t go to clubs either, but according to the songs I hear in taxi cabs, many people are there to hook up. Sure, the lady may be all turnt up from a night of krumping or whatever (again: I don’t go to clubs!), but you would still exchange some pleasantries first, right? Same on Tinder. It’s just polite-and a nice way to find out if somebody has crazy eyes or adult braces.
It’s so easy as to be ridiculous. Just talk to her for a little bit to establish 1) her interest and 2) the fact that you’re fun and safe. Ask what she’s doing, how her night was, what she did, what she might be doing later. What you shouldn’t ask: to see her tits. If she “likes them big.” Things of that nature.
Look, it’s possible there’s a woman who’s on Tinder solely to provide strangers with free amateur porn. It’s also possible for a snake to crawl up your toilet and bite your balls. We’re talking snake-ball-biting odds of you getting laid when you ask these questions so fast. It’s transparent and lazy, and makes us assume you’re not someone who is concerned about stuff like consent or whether the other person actually enjoys sex.
On Tinder, make polite and casual conversation, then wait for cues on her end that this is a casual hookup situation. If she’s into it, she’ll probably try to give you the green light in a way that won’t leave you wondering. If she’s really up for getting together-or even just dirty phone stuff-she will indicate this. If she does not say as much IN A CLEAR AND AFFIRMATIVE WAY, leave her be. I know. It’s so damn hard to find the two-headed dragon of enthusiastic consent and availability. What you guys have to go through when not getting head or being senators is truly terrible.
If she gives the incontrovertible thumbs-up, suggest something like vaguely cordial meeting for a drink. A drink! Not a handy or boudoir shots or anything like that. If she doesn’t want a drink and just wants to get straight to roleplaying “Foxcatcher” on your futon, she will say as much! Just chill the hell out and know that the hotchee-motchee stuff will come later, assuming you don’t blow it with your personality.